just heal.

I'm not sure if I will post this for anyone else to read, I'm contemplating it even before I start typing out what's on my mind, so if you're reading this,  it was carefully considered... anyways, here we go...


My heart has literally been aching for the past couple of months, somedays I'm completely fine because I find other things to entertain my time. Other days, I feel a hole that doesn't seem like it'll ever completely heal. Since September, my heart has beat to the rhythm of "heal, just heal, heal..." It's waves of anger and sadness, thankfulness and second guessing. The majority of the pain it needs healing from was brought on completely by my own indiscretions and stupidity.
I kept going back because for some reason I felt like I hadn't been belittled, judged, put down or discredited enough the first five times. Or maybe just because that was where I was comfortable... yeah, that's it... it was a total comfort thing.  I could have stayed and never been physically alone again, but I didn't because I felt mentally alone all the time. Never being on the same page as someone who is your, for lack of a better descriptor, "soulmate" isn't how I imagined things in the played out story of happily ever after.

Ask some people, and they will probably tell you that I'm not a relationship person and I'm not a good girlfriend because I break it off and I have commitment issues. Not that it's anyone's damn business, but my last relationships have been on repeat in the "things others like to talk about" category for quiet sometime. Scandalous, I tell you.

I'm holding out for the real thing. Ideally, it wouldn't have taken 2 engagements in the process, but it has. That's me, take it or leave it. I want to be with someone, I want that person that gets me and I can show them the absolute worst part of me and they still want to sleep in the same bed with me that night and every other night. I want to find that person that I feel that way about. I don't even want the big wedding, engagement ring deal. When I find him, I'm good with a silver band or a cheap vintage find and a trip to the court house. I'm obviously incredibly picky, which is why I'm sitting alone at a table for one at this moment. I've quit chasing it though. I've been on somewhat of a relationship fast, I haven't dated anyone in almost 6 months and it may be another 6 years before someone comes along.  I have full faith in God, that when the time is right and I'm the person I'm meant to be when I meet my husband, it'll happen. The wait is hard though and settling is the definite easier option. Chances are, I'll be adopting a dog very soon to keep me company during the wait.

I was given a book as a graduation gift and while reading it I came across this:
" Create a greater you. Create and live a life so good that it doesn't matter if anyone comes along. Say yes to every opportunity to make new friends, meet new people, try new adventures. Get busy living the life of your dreams instead of looking for the man or woman of your dreams. It's like the proverbial butterfly: Once you stop chasing it, it will land gently on your shoulder. Instead of looking for the right  partner, become the right man or woman... for you. Be your best, deepest, truest self. Make yourself attractive to you. There is someone for everyone, if you're busy trying to turn yourself into someone else, Mr. Right might not be interested, because he's looking for a woman just like the one you abandoned."
-true stuff.