changes are a coming

I've been quite miserable with my decision of career and career setting since, oh... this time last year. Out of limited opportunities, I made the decision to stay for another year, and since the first day of the school year this year, I've regretted that decision. After numerous draining conversations with my human resource department and their inability to really do much to help a sister out, I have since taken things into my own hands and have had a couple of opportunities present themselves to me.
One turned out to be a complete waste of time and energy, but how do you know until you try, right?
I have another opportunity that I just received a text about and I am so excited and nervous. These situations often leave me anxiety-filled, but since that text, I've been hearing "don't worry... God already knows how this thing is going to turn out. If it doesn't work out, it's because there is something else around the corner". I know that's right and true.
I have to have a change.

It's funny, how things come to be. Out of a shitty situation through work, I have made 2 incredible friendships. One is with someone I went to graduate school with. We just so happen to have both moved 12 hours west and work in the same district and she, for some crazy ass reason, volunteered to help me 2 times a week since her case-load is a little less daunting than mine. Who does that?? A real friend, who's awesomeness continues to unfold before me.
Also, my dear sweet secretary has proven to be an incredible asset in an otherwise miserable environment. This woman is my mom but with a few added shakes of feist.
She helps keep me sane just as much as I help her and we have an agreement that one of us can't quit before the other. She calls herself my "Texas momma" and how I love her so for that.

Some weeks seem do dark that I can't see past my desk and the piles of paperwork on it. It's rare that I find joy with the population that I work with and I really don't think that is how it is supposed to be.

I've been half-assing it with prayers lately about new opportunities, but tonight starts my hardcore love letter writing to Jesus, because this girl really needs to see some changes. The changes that I am asking for are also not external and environmental.

Lately, I've found in myself what I need to work on more than anything so that I can be ridiculously happy, because isn't that what we all want to be, ridiculously happy?

Since I can remember, I've always held back. I've held back on who I am and I've held back on what I've loved and how I've loved it. Sometimes I see those people who are so caught up in loving something that it makes me feel like my efforts to love are so weak. I've been inspired by the most unlikely situation to let go of all that shit in the past that makes me fill unworthy to love and be loved fully. It doesn't matter where we've been or the mistakes we've made. Now is what counts and I must create the person and the happiness that I want to be and want to have.

I have incredible people in my life that sometime I hold back from loving full force because of thoughts and fears. No more. That's my goal that I'm setting for myself this year, even if it's 3 months late. My life, my rules.
I do what I want!  >:)