misery.

My heart feels like it has a huge gaping hole in it this morning. I'm so tired, exhausted actually, of "being okay" and keeping it together. I hate where I live right now. No one should hate their home. I'm so homesick, I can't keep it together. The only thing that stops my tears this week is a glass of wine or a cigarette, disgusting.
I'm on the lookout for the cheapest flight, so I can get the hell out of here.
Even if it's just for a few days. I need my damn sanity back.
I'm not sad about a breakup, I'm sad about not having my shit figured out and being back to start all over again.

sarclasstic

I think I"m beginning to understand why it is that I'm so afraid to let go and let people see the unfiltered, candid self that I really am. I have to say that I'm a little proud of myself and here is why: Lately, I've been in situations where I've just flat out stated what was on my mind. Most of the time, I feel that it is not well received, but lately I've cared just a little less.
I have a very sarcastic personality that comes off as me being an ass often. I have a strange and usually somewhat dark sense of humor that offends most girls that I meet. I've been told that I'm quick with the one-liners after a few drinks. Those one-liners are usually circulating in my head, sans drinks... they just don't surface because I'm terrified of offending or insulting someone. Someday, I'll be glad when they leap out and I just don't care. That's what I'm working towards. So if someday, you think "she's a real ass", know that I've come along way.

Sheet music

As I awoke this morning in my childhood home, I descended the staircase and found the house to be silent and still. Photographs pass through my mind as I explore and I come upon the piano I spent my better years despising because I was made to love it, although I always didn't. I thought there were far better things for a seven-year-old to be doing rather than sitting with some wise and lovely elderly lady in her home and learning the art of reading music.
This morning, I feel drawn to sit at the old music box and tinker with it's keys. There is no sheet music that I can find to read as a guide and outside of it's center, this old thing is horribly out of tune.
Perfect fitting for my current state of mind.
Sometimes, even when you are searching so hard for it, there isn't a guide to read that will tell you the steps you must take to make the life that is meant to fulfill you. Sometimes we must look inside of ourselves and find our inner rhythm and music and let it form and let it flourish.
Often times as well, when we are playing our best and we know we have the right keys or are taking the right steps, our environment or the people around us make us sound out of tune, or out of place. Maybe it's not us that are making mistakes that ring out and sound off key. Maybe it's the perception in which our inner rhythm is perceived.
-E 

401 what??

In an effort to get my full "grown-up" on, I've been working on getting credit cards payed off and paying those pesky student loans every.single.month.
I'm good at getting things payed on {kind of sort of } time, but I'm not so good at conserving what is left over and putting it into a savings.
Well, with new job in tow {hallelujah, praise God and all things good}, I have had to start thinking of things like 401k and all that mess.
So last night was Friday night, and I stayed at home, made dinner at home, and created a somewhat attractive monthly budget template so I can see play-by-play where my money is going and what things can really be cut out. I have a feeling last night was the first of many weekend nights that will be spent at home. I'm good with that.
If any of you out there, would like to use my budget template, it's free for the taking. If you see something minor you would leave off or add, seriously let me know, and I'll be glad to change it up and e-mail it to you.
See, you do get something out of reading about my messy life ;)
Love- e. 

"What if you woke up today and were left with only the things you spoke thankfulness for yesterday?"
I am thankful for:
breath
shelter
nourishment
emotional security
unconditional love
my cell phone {because it allows me to hear voices of people I love that I can't always see  when I want}
my mom
education
my brother
my sister
my niece and 2 nephews
my boyfriend
my secretary
my best friend here
my best friend back home
my job that I hate
my new job that I hope to love
free expression
internet
nice bath products
makeup
clothing
my hair dryer
memories of my dad
experiences that remind of me why I am thankful for good days
music
literature
sunlight
and more.
What are you thankful for today?

sunday funsday

I used to really dread Sundays and be in a silently stressed state of mind from the time I woke up until I tried to go to sleep at night, only to end up lying awake the better part of the night. That left me drained and not-so-pleasant for the duration of Mondays.
I'm a silent stresser through and through. If you're not catching my drift on what  I mean, then allow me to explain...
I've been told by many that I appear to be in a chill, kickback/laidback state all the time. When I first caught on to a lot of people describing me as that, I laughed because inside of my head is a stressed out hot mess for the most part and I think that I appear that way on the outside as well, but somehow I manage to convey a "calm as a bomb" exterior for the most part.
Anyway... I totally digress...
Lately, I have really been able to relax and enjoy Sundays to the fullest. In the back of my mind I still am worried that tomorrow is Monday and I may not have everything perfectly laid out for the rest of the week, but it's such a diluted version of what it used to be.
This morning, I woke up folded a massive mountain of freshly laundered linens, made coffee, worked out, went on a long walk with Stella, painted furniture, read, napped, went for Asian food (shout out to Jenni's Noodle House... it's flippin awesome food and service), grocery shopped, and I'm about to wind down and catch up on some quality Sunday night drama via Californication and House of Lies... All in all, it could have been a stress free Saturday if I didn't know better.

Sad to see you go

Spring break was all I could have asked for. We saw amazing bands including White Rabbits, War on Drugs, Kasabian, and Band of Skulls. I got a massage, new tattoo and my shopping on. We brunched and antiqued. We met up with old friends and made some new ones. We pretended we were full bloodied Irish. We enjoyed the sunshine and our new home.